While I like the premise, player choices are poorly accounted for, you have a fairly specific character in mind for the MC and won’t really let the player change anything about it.
Choosing something along the lines of “I like this life” shouldn’t lead to “I wouldn’t do it if I had the choice but it could be worse”, and I’ve noticed many similar instances.
Maybe I just picked the choices aligning with traits/stances you really don’t want the MC to have, but extenuating the player’s decisions to fit into what’s basically a fixed character, making the choice nothing but flavour, isn’t the right way to handle this.
It’s just very obvious that you either feel uncomfortable with certain reactions and unconsciously try to diminish them, or simply want to write about a specific kind of MC.
None of this is bad, just a normal reaction from a writer who isn’t used to letting go of their characters, but maybe you should think about what you really want to do with this story.
A fixed MC? Leave out choices that would influence the characterisation and focus on observation and action, just state in the description that it’s a fixed MC and choices limited to actions and/or story progression. Account for personality shaping? Then try to let go of the character you have in mind and treat it as roleplaying or an alternative universe, so you can stay in-character according to the player’s choice.
At the end it’s about you having fun working on this and if you actually want to write a fixed MC, then don't hesitate. It’s better than railroading characterisation and spares you complains that would trickle in once the game becomes really popular, which I have no doubt will be the case.
I wish you all the best and hope this IF will become something you look back on fondly, proudly, and with a smile.
I don't see why the first chapter was rewritten, it felt the same to me since the story was largely the same.
The writing was solid, pacing was good for the first chapter, I will say that the plot needs work. Having a power and running away is interesting but weak.
If you had someone evil hunting you down who killed your parents and wants to kill you or enslave you then I can understand, but having a power that's not been explained to be dangerous isn't memorable, being chased by an organization is interesting but the threat of just being put in a facility doesn't have high stakes or emotional impact.
That being said I'm looking forward to the next update, I hope more action, thrill and drama happens.
Well, I first wrote Chapter One nearly three years ago, and many core aspects of the worldbuilding changed. Additionally, Chapter Two is going to look very different so it made sense to start with Chapter One. :)
The plot hasn't really had a chance to get off the ground considering it's the first chapter. Hopefully you find it a bit stronger with future updates.
Thanks for playing and taking the time to let me know your thoughts!
So I really doubt this game is going to see much more progress given the fact that its been a whole yeah at this point. My main issue with the story is that its definitely trying to get you to like these agents, but at no point is it justified. As far you, the player, are aware they work for the same people that murdered your family. And they each apparently have 'Flairs' like you, making them even more detestable since they are essentially hunting down people like them to protect their own skin.
Just so I don't seem overly negative I do like this game. It's an interesting premise and world that I would have loved to see it expanded upon.
Hi, the rewrite of chapter is coming as soon as possible, so while it might not be true progress it's still being worked on. I understand why you take issue with that aspect of the game, though it's difficult to work around considering the significance of the agents as the main characters in the game. (excluding MC of course.)
I am working on rewriting chapter 2 at the moment, and will take your feedback into account as I do so.
If you play again once the rewrite of chapter 2 is out (which will hopefully not take as long), feel free to give me further feedback, it is always appreciated.
Thank you for playing and taking the time out of your day to comment and I really do appreciate constructive criticism. :)
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While I like the premise, player choices are poorly accounted for, you have a fairly specific character in mind for the MC and won’t really let the player change anything about it.
Choosing something along the lines of “I like this life” shouldn’t lead to “I wouldn’t do it if I had the choice but it could be worse”, and I’ve noticed many similar instances. Maybe I just picked the choices aligning with traits/stances you really don’t want the MC to have, but extenuating the player’s decisions to fit into what’s basically a fixed character, making the choice nothing but flavour, isn’t the right way to handle this.
It’s just very obvious that you either feel uncomfortable with certain reactions and unconsciously try to diminish them, or simply want to write about a specific kind of MC.
None of this is bad, just a normal reaction from a writer who isn’t used to letting go of their characters, but maybe you should think about what you really want to do with this story.
A fixed MC? Leave out choices that would influence the characterisation and focus on observation and action, just state in the description that it’s a fixed MC and choices limited to actions and/or story progression.
Account for personality shaping? Then try to let go of the character you have in mind and treat it as roleplaying or an alternative universe, so you can stay in-character according to the player’s choice.
At the end it’s about you having fun working on this and if you actually want to write a fixed MC, then don't hesitate.
It’s better than railroading characterisation and spares you complains that would trickle in once the game becomes really popular, which I have no doubt will be the case.
I wish you all the best and hope this IF will become something you look back on fondly, proudly, and with a smile.
this is awesome :O!!!!!!
you're awesome!!! but thank you! :)
holy shit this was amazing
thank you <3
Excited to see how the story continues. I like how much freedom we have with our character's personality/choices !
thank you! i'm glad you enjoyed it and feel that way! :)
I don't see why the first chapter was rewritten, it felt the same to me since the story was largely the same.
The writing was solid, pacing was good for the first chapter, I will say that the plot needs work. Having a power and running away is interesting but weak.
If you had someone evil hunting you down who killed your parents and wants to kill you or enslave you then I can understand, but having a power that's not been explained to be dangerous isn't memorable, being chased by an organization is interesting but the threat of just being put in a facility doesn't have high stakes or emotional impact.
That being said I'm looking forward to the next update, I hope more action, thrill and drama happens.
Well, I first wrote Chapter One nearly three years ago, and many core aspects of the worldbuilding changed. Additionally, Chapter Two is going to look very different so it made sense to start with Chapter One. :)
The plot hasn't really had a chance to get off the ground considering it's the first chapter. Hopefully you find it a bit stronger with future updates.
Thanks for playing and taking the time to let me know your thoughts!
ESPER REWRITE!!! We are so in it right now!!
I love enemies to lovers tropes, LEts GOOOOOOO
So I really doubt this game is going to see much more progress given the fact that its been a whole yeah at this point. My main issue with the story is that its definitely trying to get you to like these agents, but at no point is it justified. As far you, the player, are aware they work for the same people that murdered your family. And they each apparently have 'Flairs' like you, making them even more detestable since they are essentially hunting down people like them to protect their own skin.
Just so I don't seem overly negative I do like this game. It's an interesting premise and world that I would have loved to see it expanded upon.
Hi, the rewrite of chapter is coming as soon as possible, so while it might not be true progress it's still being worked on.
I understand why you take issue with that aspect of the game, though it's difficult to work around considering the significance of the agents as the main characters in the game. (excluding MC of course.)
I am working on rewriting chapter 2 at the moment, and will take your feedback into account as I do so.
If you play again once the rewrite of chapter 2 is out (which will hopefully not take as long), feel free to give me further feedback, it is always appreciated.
Thank you for playing and taking the time out of your day to comment and I really do appreciate constructive criticism. :)
Still no update?
soon! though unfortunately its just a rewrite of chapter one, it should be out before the end of the year <3
Hope the story gets continued, also I hope poly/harem romance will be available
hi!!! thank you for playing! the game is still being worked on. and while i make no promises, a v/i poly is definitely possible :)
This was really good can't wait for more but take your time
Thank you so much! I appreciate it <3