While I like the premise, player choices are poorly accounted for, you have a fairly specific character in mind for the MC and won’t really let the player change anything about it.
Choosing something along the lines of “I like this life” shouldn’t lead to “I wouldn’t do it if I had the choice but it could be worse”, and I’ve noticed many similar instances.
Maybe I just picked the choices aligning with traits/stances you really don’t want the MC to have, but extenuating the player’s decisions to fit into what’s basically a fixed character, making the choice nothing but flavour, isn’t the right way to handle this.
It’s just very obvious that you either feel uncomfortable with certain reactions and unconsciously try to diminish them, or simply want to write about a specific kind of MC.
None of this is bad, just a normal reaction from a writer who isn’t used to letting go of their characters, but maybe you should think about what you really want to do with this story.
A fixed MC? Leave out choices that would influence the characterisation and focus on observation and action, just state in the description that it’s a fixed MC and choices limited to actions and/or story progression. Account for personality shaping? Then try to let go of the character you have in mind and treat it as roleplaying or an alternative universe, so you can stay in-character according to the player’s choice.
At the end it’s about you having fun working on this and if you actually want to write a fixed MC, then don't hesitate. It’s better than railroading characterisation and spares you complains that would trickle in once the game becomes really popular, which I have no doubt will be the case.
I wish you all the best and hope this IF will become something you look back on fondly, proudly, and with a smile.
Hey! Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback, it's always appreciated. sorry for the super late response, I've been super inactive on here.
I do understand what you're saying and you make some valid points (I'll have to check out that choice you mentioned and make sure my point is clearer.)
However, I do know what I'm doing with this story and MC. While MC is customisable/influencable, at the end of the day they're still a character. They have a set backstory, things will happen to them that are outside of the player's control and simply put I can't feasibly write a different version of every paragraph based on the MC's stats.
Additionally, this is chapter one. There is one choice in the demo that affects personality stats, and it's at the very end. There hasn't been an opportunity to really manipulate stats to be checked so far. I
Thanks for playing and letting me know your thoughts :)
I don't see why the first chapter was rewritten, it felt the same to me since the story was largely the same.
The writing was solid, pacing was good for the first chapter, I will say that the plot needs work. Having a power and running away is interesting but weak.
If you had someone evil hunting you down who killed your parents and wants to kill you or enslave you then I can understand, but having a power that's not been explained to be dangerous isn't memorable, being chased by an organization is interesting but the threat of just being put in a facility doesn't have high stakes or emotional impact.
That being said I'm looking forward to the next update, I hope more action, thrill and drama happens.
Well, I first wrote Chapter One nearly three years ago, and many core aspects of the worldbuilding changed. Additionally, Chapter Two is going to look very different so it made sense to start with Chapter One. :)
The plot hasn't really had a chance to get off the ground considering it's the first chapter. Hopefully you find it a bit stronger with future updates.
Thanks for playing and taking the time to let me know your thoughts!
So I really doubt this game is going to see much more progress given the fact that its been a whole yeah at this point. My main issue with the story is that its definitely trying to get you to like these agents, but at no point is it justified. As far you, the player, are aware they work for the same people that murdered your family. And they each apparently have 'Flairs' like you, making them even more detestable since they are essentially hunting down people like them to protect their own skin.
Just so I don't seem overly negative I do like this game. It's an interesting premise and world that I would have loved to see it expanded upon.
Hi, the rewrite of chapter is coming as soon as possible, so while it might not be true progress it's still being worked on. I understand why you take issue with that aspect of the game, though it's difficult to work around considering the significance of the agents as the main characters in the game. (excluding MC of course.)
I am working on rewriting chapter 2 at the moment, and will take your feedback into account as I do so.
If you play again once the rewrite of chapter 2 is out (which will hopefully not take as long), feel free to give me further feedback, it is always appreciated.
Thank you for playing and taking the time out of your day to comment and I really do appreciate constructive criticism. :)
Thank you! I'm really sorry for how long it's taken for me to get to this, could you provide screenshots or otherwise provide more detail about the problem?
Did you play through the entirety of chapter one? Sam is the MC's fake name, but near the end of chapter one (after meeting V) you should be asked to choose their real name. I know it's pretty late so it's easy to miss but it should be there!!!
This is really good! At first I was aiming for Lena when I read the descriptions of the LIs but when I actually played the game, I ended up liking Saorise more.
Ah, sorry! I didn't notice the screenshot didn't post alongside my comment. But I went and checked out the part I mentioned and the error isn't there anymore so it could have been just my browser or laptop but either way, it's good!
Also i hope i can become a vilain beacause they kinda destroyed your life and now want to use you as weapon, i want so bad to become a vilain and destroy them
Didnt completed game yet. I just was kidnaped and while in van thinking why we have no choice on useing our powers to sabotage driving or not getting angry at all with all this stuff going on about org. useing you as tool, we just like sponge "oh, ok, i was kindnaped right, this is bad ok" and cant "rrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaawwwwrrrrr i`ll kill you all you $^&%&^ for mind control me and breakin` into my house and all". We can get angry at whatever we was angry and yell at out mother but cant yell at total strangers and unpleasant idiots? Cool, we are pathetic then.
I appreciate your suggestions, though I feel I should mention there's only so much I can do. The plot of the game involves being with the Organisation. And anyway, MC was far too exhausted to use their flair in the van, not to mention the obvious risks.
I'll see what I can do, thanks for letting me know your thoughts.
Hey, i looking forward to play again when you add more story for us.
I did not hint at the possibility of escaping from the Organization (although if you think about it, you can think of it as coming up with a separate storyline), only at the inaction of the hero who seemed a little soft or something. As for fatigue, I didn't think about it, for which I apologize, although it would be possible to directly write about it in the form of a narrative or the hero's thoughts about escaping from the car.
I'm glad you're interested in the story, so thanks! :)
You make some great points, and I'll definitely be considering them when I do my second draft! I do think that mentioning fatigue/reasoning for not being hostile in the game is a good idea. I do want players to be able to relate to the MC, so this feedback is very important and helpful. Thank you very much for your thoughts and suggestions, have a lovely day!
Just a heads up, person writing this story. I noticed this:
'Espers were even rarer, making up 27% of all catalysts.'
But 27% is not rare - that's saying almost 1/3 of anyone who's a catalyst is an Esper, which is incredibly common. Now, if it were 2%? That would be rare.
There'll certainly be opportunities to oppose the organisation etc! Unfortunately, I can't make any promises about completely running away just yet. :)
First things first, thank you ❤️ for the update even if it was a minor one; I got to meet all of the ROs ✨ and it was quite intriguing ;).
I'm telling you, it's really gonna be a hard time for me to choose a route. All of them are quite compelling ✨✨ so I'm gonna play all the routes in the future 😏
White fluffy hair and tall!!! AAAaaa what a combo!! I loved him the instance I read that 🌝.. Leith is quite interesting too....
Well time to break out of prison or forced enslavement Refuse to work for an organization I have known nothing about and might be used as nothing but a weapon
This is an insane piece of creativity and thrill! I love everything about it, especially the fact that there are alot of ROs .... Hehe can't wait for more ;_;
OHHHh I love this premise, I want this story, I cannot wait for more. I really hope you're still working on this, because I absolutely want to get to know the agents.
I'm so glad you're enjoying it!!! I am definitely still working on it, and the first part of chapter 2 is currently being edited. You'll get to know the agents more really soon!
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this is amazing!
saving it
I reallllyyyy want to be here when it finishes, it looks SOOOOOOOOOO funnn!!
LOVING THE 1ST CHAPTERRRR OMGMG cant wait for the next updtae :333
So happy to hear that!!! :)))
I really like this so far! I can't wait for more to come out. It minda reminds me of the Fallen Hero series by Malin Rydén in a way. Great work!
Thanks so much! While I've never personally played that series, I've heard great things so will take that as high praise!
While I like the premise, player choices are poorly accounted for, you have a fairly specific character in mind for the MC and won’t really let the player change anything about it.
Choosing something along the lines of “I like this life” shouldn’t lead to “I wouldn’t do it if I had the choice but it could be worse”, and I’ve noticed many similar instances. Maybe I just picked the choices aligning with traits/stances you really don’t want the MC to have, but extenuating the player’s decisions to fit into what’s basically a fixed character, making the choice nothing but flavour, isn’t the right way to handle this.
It’s just very obvious that you either feel uncomfortable with certain reactions and unconsciously try to diminish them, or simply want to write about a specific kind of MC.
None of this is bad, just a normal reaction from a writer who isn’t used to letting go of their characters, but maybe you should think about what you really want to do with this story.
A fixed MC? Leave out choices that would influence the characterisation and focus on observation and action, just state in the description that it’s a fixed MC and choices limited to actions and/or story progression.
Account for personality shaping? Then try to let go of the character you have in mind and treat it as roleplaying or an alternative universe, so you can stay in-character according to the player’s choice.
At the end it’s about you having fun working on this and if you actually want to write a fixed MC, then don't hesitate.
It’s better than railroading characterisation and spares you complains that would trickle in once the game becomes really popular, which I have no doubt will be the case.
I wish you all the best and hope this IF will become something you look back on fondly, proudly, and with a smile.
Hey! Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback, it's always appreciated. sorry for the super late response, I've been super inactive on here.
I do understand what you're saying and you make some valid points (I'll have to check out that choice you mentioned and make sure my point is clearer.)
However, I do know what I'm doing with this story and MC. While MC is customisable/influencable, at the end of the day they're still a character. They have a set backstory, things will happen to them that are outside of the player's control and simply put I can't feasibly write a different version of every paragraph based on the MC's stats.
Additionally, this is chapter one. There is one choice in the demo that affects personality stats, and it's at the very end. There hasn't been an opportunity to really manipulate stats to be checked so far. I
Thanks for playing and letting me know your thoughts :)
this is awesome :O!!!!!!
you're awesome!!! but thank you! :)
holy shit this was amazing
thank you <3
Excited to see how the story continues. I like how much freedom we have with our character's personality/choices !
thank you! i'm glad you enjoyed it and feel that way! :)
I don't see why the first chapter was rewritten, it felt the same to me since the story was largely the same.
The writing was solid, pacing was good for the first chapter, I will say that the plot needs work. Having a power and running away is interesting but weak.
If you had someone evil hunting you down who killed your parents and wants to kill you or enslave you then I can understand, but having a power that's not been explained to be dangerous isn't memorable, being chased by an organization is interesting but the threat of just being put in a facility doesn't have high stakes or emotional impact.
That being said I'm looking forward to the next update, I hope more action, thrill and drama happens.
Well, I first wrote Chapter One nearly three years ago, and many core aspects of the worldbuilding changed. Additionally, Chapter Two is going to look very different so it made sense to start with Chapter One. :)
The plot hasn't really had a chance to get off the ground considering it's the first chapter. Hopefully you find it a bit stronger with future updates.
Thanks for playing and taking the time to let me know your thoughts!
ESPER REWRITE!!! We are so in it right now!!
I love enemies to lovers tropes, LEts GOOOOOOO
So I really doubt this game is going to see much more progress given the fact that its been a whole yeah at this point. My main issue with the story is that its definitely trying to get you to like these agents, but at no point is it justified. As far you, the player, are aware they work for the same people that murdered your family. And they each apparently have 'Flairs' like you, making them even more detestable since they are essentially hunting down people like them to protect their own skin.
Just so I don't seem overly negative I do like this game. It's an interesting premise and world that I would have loved to see it expanded upon.
Hi, the rewrite of chapter is coming as soon as possible, so while it might not be true progress it's still being worked on.
I understand why you take issue with that aspect of the game, though it's difficult to work around considering the significance of the agents as the main characters in the game. (excluding MC of course.)
I am working on rewriting chapter 2 at the moment, and will take your feedback into account as I do so.
If you play again once the rewrite of chapter 2 is out (which will hopefully not take as long), feel free to give me further feedback, it is always appreciated.
Thank you for playing and taking the time out of your day to comment and I really do appreciate constructive criticism. :)
Still no update?
soon! though unfortunately its just a rewrite of chapter one, it should be out before the end of the year <3
Hope the story gets continued, also I hope poly/harem romance will be available
hi!!! thank you for playing! the game is still being worked on. and while i make no promises, a v/i poly is definitely possible :)
This was really good can't wait for more but take your time
Thank you so much! I appreciate it <3
Really good so far, but i cans choose my name for some reason.
Thank you! I'm really sorry for how long it's taken for me to get to this, could you provide screenshots or otherwise provide more detail about the problem?
Alr, so like, whenever I start the game my name is Sam and throughout the game, it never asks me for my name. Tbh, its probably just me TwT.
Did you play through the entirety of chapter one? Sam is the MC's fake name, but near the end of chapter one (after meeting V) you should be asked to choose their real name. I know it's pretty late so it's easy to miss but it should be there!!!
I did, but it didn't show me it.
Pretty good but short, is this still updated?
Hello, thank you for playing! Esper has not been abandoned, and will hopefully be updated soon :)
This is really good! At first I was aiming for Lena when I read the descriptions of the LIs but when I actually played the game, I ended up liking Saorise more.
Looking forward to the the continuation!
Thank you so much!!! <333
Is this still being continued??
hey!!! it is currently being worked on again but development has been slow. for monthly updates you can check out my tumblr.
thank you for your interest :)
This is a really good game! I love the writing and the characters, but there seems to be a bug? At the part where you can input your own name:
![]()
but nonetheless, excited to see more of how this unfolds!
I'm glad you like it!
I haven't been able to encounter any bug around there, could you elaborate? Or submit screenshots to the feedback form?
Ah, sorry! I didn't notice the screenshot didn't post alongside my comment. But I went and checked out the part I mentioned and the error isn't there anymore so it could have been just my browser or laptop but either way, it's good!
Great to hear! Thank you for playing.
This game is sooooooo good
Also i hope i can become a vilain beacause they kinda destroyed your life and now want to use you as weapon, i want so bad to become a vilain and destroy them
MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA
*cough* ahem good game by the way
Good to hear you enjoyed it!!!
And you'll just have to see...
I love this story so much I can't wait to see how it unfold
Ahhh thank you! <3
np
need more of jackson in my life /hj
Pfft, you're making me feel like I should make a side game... (kidding I swear)
Thank you for playing <3
Didnt completed game yet. I just was kidnaped and while in van thinking why we have no choice on useing our powers to sabotage driving or not getting angry at all with all this stuff going on about org. useing you as tool, we just like sponge "oh, ok, i was kindnaped right, this is bad ok" and cant "rrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaawwwwrrrrr i`ll kill you all you $^&%&^ for mind control me and breakin` into my house and all". We can get angry at whatever we was angry and yell at out mother but cant yell at total strangers and unpleasant idiots? Cool, we are pathetic then.
Ah, that was end after they answer MC questions, cant proceed quickly coz i think what i would do at this kind of situation.
Hey, thanks for playing.
I appreciate your suggestions, though I feel I should mention there's only so much I can do. The plot of the game involves being with the Organisation. And anyway, MC was far too exhausted to use their flair in the van, not to mention the obvious risks.
I'll see what I can do, thanks for letting me know your thoughts.
Hey, i looking forward to play again when you add more story for us.
I did not hint at the possibility of escaping from the Organization (although if you think about it, you can think of it as coming up with a separate storyline), only at the inaction of the hero who seemed a little soft or something. As for fatigue, I didn't think about it, for which I apologize, although it would be possible to directly write about it in the form of a narrative or the hero's thoughts about escaping from the car.
I'm glad you're interested in the story, so thanks! :)
You make some great points, and I'll definitely be considering them when I do my second draft! I do think that mentioning fatigue/reasoning for not being hostile in the game is a good idea. I do want players to be able to relate to the MC, so this feedback is very important and helpful. Thank you very much for your thoughts and suggestions, have a lovely day!
I came back to this story ten months later and it's still as good as I remember:D
Thank you so much!I'm happy you still like it. I also apologise for you having to wait so long
It's no problem I'll wait for as long as it takes since your story is truly amazing!
Made my day, thank you :))) <3
I can't change the gender for some reason
Hi, could you please explain in more detail what the problem is? Everything seems to be working for me
well when I try to change the gender it doesn't work for some unknown reason I tried many times but it won't work
I'll look into it when I can. In the meantime you could submit a screenshot here, to my tumblr or this form so that I can best address the issue :)
I'll try :)
bug
ig that's just their name now
Thanks, this error is on my list to fix when I get the chance.
Just a heads up, person writing this story. I noticed this:
'Espers were even rarer, making up 27% of all catalysts.'
But 27% is not rare - that's saying almost 1/3 of anyone who's a catalyst is an Esper, which is incredibly common. Now, if it were 2%? That would be rare.
Thanks for letting me know, when I'm able to I'll fix the phrasing etc. to make it more clear :)
AHHHHHHHHHH. Thats it. Thats the post.
<3
This parttttttttt!!
Omg this killed meeeeee...i was literally laughing like a maniac at midnight 😭😭..
And HEY... I CLICKED THAT OPTION, JUST CUZ I WAS CURIOUS 🙂 AND NOTHING MORE OR LESS... I don't like him 🥺
Haha I'm glad you found it funny!!! <3
Nice update!
Just hope that there will be opportunity to run away from institute/organization.
Hey, that's actually a very nice idea 🙈
Thanks!
There'll certainly be opportunities to oppose the organisation etc! Unfortunately, I can't make any promises about completely running away just yet. :)
First things first, thank you ❤️ for the update even if it was a minor one; I got to meet all of the ROs ✨ and it was quite intriguing ;).
I'm telling you, it's really gonna be a hard time for me to choose a route. All of them are quite compelling ✨✨ so I'm gonna play all the routes in the future 😏
White fluffy hair and tall!!! AAAaaa what a combo!! I loved him the instance I read that 🌝.. Leith is quite interesting too....
Thanks for reading it!! I'm glad you enjoyed the update!
It's good to know you like all the characters!
Again, thank you for your lovely comment, it really made my day!
Finally an update, thanks author mwuah!
Thank you for reading! <3
Well time to break out of prison or forced enslavement Refuse to work for an organization I have known nothing about and might be used as nothing but a weapon
aaaaaa this was amazing u should toats make more <3
Thank you!
npp!
This is an insane piece of creativity and thrill! I love everything about it, especially the fact that there are alot of ROs .... Hehe can't wait for more ;_;
I'm happy you're enjoying it! Thanks for your interest and sweet comment! <3
❣️
Love the writing in this already :D my heart is conflicted there already looks like so many good romance options.
Thank you! I'm glad you like the ROs! <3
Very promising, looking foward to any extensions, thats for sure.
Thanks for the comment!
OHHHh I love this premise, I want this story, I cannot wait for more. I really hope you're still working on this, because I absolutely want to get to know the agents.
I'm so glad you're enjoying it!!! I am definitely still working on it, and the first part of chapter 2 is currently being edited. You'll get to know the agents more really soon!
Thankyou for the comment! <3
NOT THE "GET WELL SOON <3" I'M CRYING
Hah, I'm glad you liked my little joke!
Thanks for playing!!! <333